Faces of God
Egoic Mind: Once again, I failed to surrender. Yesterday I called the paramedics when the pain became overwhelming and I felt I had no strength to take care of it on my own. Why is it that even – or perhaps especially when – I have a deep insight it is accompanied by even more terror on the level of form?
Yesterday, as I was in deep meditation and the pain in my face began to rise … I could feel this sense of “I am God”. There followed a deep understanding that this was indeed true. Pain is the face of God; Fear is the face of God; Bliss is the face of God; Anger is the face of God; Joy is the face of God. There was not one face that was more godlike and there was no face to turn away from. In this knowing there came a dictum to invite and study all of the faces of God, to study each of them for they had something to discover.
I began with “fear” – I looked into the eyes of fear, knowing that it was the face of God and tried to see what was the experience of fear if I was not pushing it away? Without resistance I could see fear was in fact an amazing powerful energy. Like my body could lift a car. There was a physical strength in fear that I could feel like I had never known was there before. Fear was a strong emotion. As soon as I made this insight there was a rush of power through my body … a small voice said inside my mind — Why would you ever want to banish this feeling of power? Use this accessible power without the label of fear.
Next, I turned my attention to the experience of pain. By now the feeling in my face was intense and it seemed the ibuprofin I had taken was not making a dent in the piercing ache. I bowed to the pain in recognition that this too was the face of God and I looked with anticipation to see what the experience felt like if I was not resisting the pain. Unlike fear, pain had a different quality, not of strength or power, but a depth that was unfathomable. It was a like an unending reservoir. Pain was an endless reserve of abundance. It felt as if when my own resources felt depleted there was available to me this deep interminable energy from the pit of pain.
But just as these two new insights were beginning to take root in my own body/mind, as I barely began to relax into the power and reserve of panic and pain – my hand reached for the phone to call the paramedics in a misdirected attempt to rescue me from my suffering. Which once again only lead to more unanswered questions, deep embarrassment and further anguish. What did I do wrong? How do I learn from this and move on to a better path?
Gnani: You are asking a dualistic question on the level of good/bad that does not apply in the true realm of your authentic nature. Make no assumptions that what you did was wrong. Make no assumptions that what you did was right. Throw out these old concepts that make you continue to suffer on the level of form. Look only at the deeper meaning, the truths that were available to you when you let go of the reins of resistance. What was left? Powerful unending energy. Bow deeply that you were able to see a glimpse of yourself in the smoky mirror. Know yourself beyond the pain and clear of the fear but as the hidden quality of all that is experienced: the essence that moves through and animates the form. Why complicate matters by worrying if any action on the level of form was right or wrong?
Egoic Mind: Why don’t these insights liberate me from the personal will of the Ego? I know that a flash of insight is possible. But as mysterious and meaningful as the truth comes to me there is little noticeable difference in the size of the egoic beast. When will that change?
Gnani: From where you stand trapped in the time/space barrier, everything seems like it is moving slowly; that your suffering is too long and your enlightenment too far off in the distant future. But time and space are both illusions. No matter of time will be sufficient to liberate you from the chains and no amount of past suffering will prepare you to switch the lights on in your darkened room. But when it happens, the illumination will burn away all false beliefs and it will be as if time never mattered, because in actuality it never has. Be in peace when peace is present. Be with pain when pain persists. Be the fear fully when faced with fright. Each is a door to what it is that you are seeking. Leave no door unopened.
Have you ever noticed the biggest bolt of lightning and the most defining thunder strike just before the rainbow appears? Small wonder then why you are baffled by these surges. It does not mean you need to send in more troops, the battle field is bloodied with wasted efforts. This is not a step-back, but rather an invitation to take the backwards step. Look inside. I know you have seen it already. That black cloud. The void of no-thing. Clear you mind and be the void. Hush now. And Be.
