Lazy, Crazy & Faking It
Half way thru watering the few houseplants we have in the zen corner of our room … I realized that I needed to take a break and lay down on the floor until I could catch my breath. Thirty minutes and counting I’m still on my back. I have POTS. And some days it has me!
I envy the ambulatory … I do. I stop and stare when I see 80 year old women with bulky walkers hobbling around the block. They amaze me. Then I look over my shoulder and see my son sitting on the kitchen floor because he needed to REST while fixing himself a snack.
I think HIS hypermobility (EDS) diagnosis this year (which provides a genetic link to the disorder for our dysfunctional family tree) made some people realize that I wasn’t faking my wide barrage of symptoms all of these years. And while it is true I do panic more than the average country mouse … its easy to fathom how that conditioned response came to be … for me. What’s not so simple is how to fix the habit mind.
As my cardiologist explained to me long ago … my hyperadrenergic POTS causes an abnormal reaction to even normal amounts of adrenaline. What I realize over the years … so does my mind. I get frightened easily. And my body stays on high alert for a much longer time. I tend to be hyper-vigilant about my surroundings … considering how much even perceived stress I should take on. Yet ultimately I see the flaw in my plan and must return to the groundlessness of the Practice.
The laundry has been hanging on the line for four days. I have three loads that need to be washed. And that is the tip of the Titanic iceberg that needs attention. Lazy? No. I’m just running out of spoons before I run out of errands. Crazy? Okay I’ll give you that, my mind is not for the faint of heart (only small POTS pun intended.) Faking it? What, for the attention, fame and glory? Please. I have nothing to prove. At best we can each understand our own experience. Sometimes we can find the words to explain our journey to another sentient being. But at no time can we ever truly understand what it is to walk in their shoes … well that is if walking was on the agenda today.
