Still Stuck In Story



Egoic Mind: Total failure story. My heart is skipping more than it has been since last summer.  I feel like a total failure.  Why is that?  I know I can not control my heart and I understand that I can not control my reaction to my heart.  So where and why the guilt.

Rhetorical.  I believe that I SHOULD be able to control my reaction.  I believe that after all this time and all this work that I should have learned by now.

So let’s see what all this “knowledge” has afforeded me:

My heart skips when:

  • I eat.
  • I am angry.
  • I am afraid.
  • I am having a hot flash.
  • I walk and then sit down.
  • And then sometimes for no god damn reason at all.

Now what the hell am I suppose to do with that?

Gnani: Doing comes.  Even not doing, is an act of doing nothing.  Can you not eat?  Can you avoid being angry or scared?  Can you control your hormones?  Has it worked thus far to control your reaction?  If you did not have to worry about controlling your emotional response or fear of dying from it … what would you do if you truly had a choice?

Egoic Mind: In my mind I would call the paramedics and they would hook me up to machines, see the problem, take me to the hospital and they would give me a pill or procedure or pace maker that would forever eliminate my worrying.

Gnani: Have you ever called the paramedics?

Egoic Mind: Yes, many times.  But the actual arrival of “help” never turned out the way that I imagined it would.  And I do realize that what I want will not match what will happen should I call in those circumstances.  It’s like the Elvis song .. Return to Sender.  Over and over and over, he does the same thing with the same response.  I keep hitting my head against this wall and wanting it not to hurt this time.  I am falling into the same hole, but still walking down the rutted street.  What choice do I have really?

Gnani: You are walking on a street of potholes.  It is likely you will continue to fall and perceive failure for as long as your body walks and your mind interprets.  Is there another way?

Egoic Mind: I believe that there is.  I have read stories of the great teachers who no longer suffer at the hands of their mental stories.  Why is mine so much harder to break free from its grip?

Gnani: And you?  You are one of the great teachers?

Egoic Mind: I believe they were ordinary men (and women) with extraordinary experiences.  Or perhaps luck.  I believe my mind is the same mind that they had to work with.  I believe Grace has already touched me and I have seen what is behind the veil.

What I do not understand is the unabiding nature of my insights.  Why is it that these experiences and deep knowing are (or seem) unavailable to me when I perceive this body/mind in crisis?

Gnani: Are you really in crisis in those times?

Egoic Mind: I believe myself to be in mortal danger.  I can see in retrospect only that I was not in crisis.  But more than that … even when I know in my heart that it will pass … I am still trapped by this desire to FIX IT so that it will never come again to hurt me.

Gnani: Of course.  Of course.  If you burned your hand every day, you would seek not only salve for the wound, but a means to avoid the injury if it was possible.  And what if it was not possible and you were given insight into the Truth that you would not now or ever be able to avoid burning your hand.

How would that change the course of your efforts?

Egoic Mind: If I truly believed the insight that no avoidance behavior was possible.  Then I would shift my attention to how I could soothe myself after the burn occurred.  I would gather ointments and cooling herbs to apply to the wound quickly so I could minimize the pain and damage as best I could.

So then what can I do?  Take herbs when the flair comes?

Gnani: No telling what you WILL do.  But when you accept the Truth of the situation, you will be able to focus your energy and efforts to alleviate the suffering and pain with compassion and patience … instead of trying to push against it in vein efforts to avoid the inevitable … or perhaps ineffable!

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