Turn on a Dime

While it may be trite to say that everything changes, it still seems to hold the deepest truth to my experience.  Perhaps my arduous efforts to hold on to a moment or prayers that this too shall pass quickly, keep me hypnotized in the illusion of a fixed state.  Time seems to be a linear process, the seasons repeat over and over again and the sun rises every morning outside of my bedroom window even when cloaked behind morning low clouds.

In order to avoid the feeling of thin ice below our feet, each of us in our own way cling to ritual and pretend to create order within the free floating happenstance of our daily lives. For those of us with a chronic illness we may have periods of days, weeks or sometimes only hours when things seem to be easier to maneuver.  We may be able to recognize little things we can do now that we could not do a little while back.  If we enjoy the moment as it is we can feel the freedom and grace that is before us.  If we cling to the hope that the bad times are behind us, surely we will fall fast and hard when life once again turns on a dime.

My own experience with the cosmic coin toss is that despite what I do, there seems to be little influence on whether I feel ahead of the mark or land painfully on my tailbone.  Despite knowing better that things will change once again, the inevitable let down when we find ourselves in yet another tailspin can crush even the relentless optimist.

So as I sit on the runway of life with the tailwind in my face, I realize I can do no more in this moment than wait for the coin to flip again.