Pneuma
After a week of intense trigeminal nerve pain episodes lasting from 30 minutes to 7 hours at an attack, the last two days has brought intensity to the energy surges though thankfully no pain has been present. During this time my meditation has grown even deeper yet. During one particularly fierce flare I could “hear” this presence affirming – I do not want you to suffer. This seemed strange, since I had been suffering intense body sensations for the last week and it certainly seemed I was alone in this boat that was drifting out to stormy seas. I was drawn to sit down in front of the full length mirrored doors of my closet. There was a deep yearning to ride this wave without dragging my husband in for the surge. As I fixed my eyes on the reflection in the mirror, a deep voice emerged from my being – “You are not alone.” It said. Now I have a naturally deep voice, but the reflections and overtones in this sentence where new to my ears. Again, sound come out of my body, “You are not alone,” it repeated. “I have been here always.” I was looking into my reflection in the closet doors into what seemed like an endless space inside my own reflected pupils which seemed much wider the words were being spoken. “I was with you in the womb, and I will follow you into the tomb. You have never been alone.” The words resonated with a deep guttural quality. Despite the lack of warmth in the harmonics, there was a stillness that was inviting so I allowed myself to be drawn deeper into the meditative state.
I sat upright in full lotus with my eyes fixed on the reflection in front of my face, once I caught a glimpse out of the side of my right eye, to see that my old girl, Taco, was sitting straight as an arrow beside me with her eyes also fixed deep into the mirrored image of her Self in front of her long dark doggie nose. The waves continued to come on strong and turbulent, I could feel my body weaken with each onslaught. I knew that I had a choice, I could sit here with this new found inner guru or I could fall into a puddle and cry out to my family for help. This time, I chose to stay.
As each swell receded I prayed that it would be the last. There was deep peace and stillness in the short intermissions between assails. My egoic mind was becoming wearing and less than impressed with the ability of this new “voice” to help me pass through the gateless gate. “What do I do?!” I heard myself saying in such a small childlike plea, and in my mind’s eye the reply was registered, “Call my name.”
Call my name? The name of God? This would be easy for a Christian, or a Muslim but I do not have a name for the Divine. So I began saying random Deities and hoping one would be recognized and come to my immediate aid. “Jesus.” No response. “Buddha.” Silence, but not in a warm and fuzzy way. “Braham.” Nothing. ” Hashem.” Was I even pronouncing that right? “God.” But there was no reply. Call my name, echoed in my ears. I let out a deep long sigh and immediately felt a spark inside my body. I inhaled slowly and could feel the weight lift off of my shoulders. I exhaled again, as a soft smile curled tenderly on my lips. Call my name … the answer was the Vital Breath itself.
