{"id":3801,"date":"2015-03-01T11:47:58","date_gmt":"2015-03-01T18:47:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.coolkarma.com\/dharma\/?p=3801"},"modified":"2015-03-01T11:48:31","modified_gmt":"2015-03-01T18:48:31","slug":"cry-cry-cry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/?p=3801","title":{"rendered":"Cry, Cry, Cry"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/TmOFrDtcX3w\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><br \/>\n<span style=\"color: #ffcccc;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">It puzzles me sometimes when I find myself with misty eyes over the thought of missing my mother.\u00a0 For goober&#8217;s sake she&#8217;s been gone six years now, you would think I&#8217;d be well over the story of loss.\u00a0 I suppose in fairness, I probably didn&#8217;t believe she was really &#8220;gone&#8221; for the first few years.\u00a0 Mom can keep to herself sometimes or feel the need to dispose of people on a whim.\u00a0 I rather believed that she&#8217;d <i>come around<\/i> after a spell.\u00a0 Because she never did say Good Bye.\u00a0 She never explained why she would choose to sever the ties that bind us &#8230; like email, cell phones, facebook ;).\u00a0 We use to talk every day on the phone.\u00a0 We talked about God either directly in gratitude or in Truth it was always the core of our conversation regardless of the topic we picked.\u00a0 &#8220;How is Bliss?&#8221;\u00a0 I would say as she picked up the phone.\u00a0 Bliss was her German Shepard.\u00a0 I&#8217;m fairly sure Mom wouldn&#8217;t have been able to let go of me so easily had she not had Bliss to lean upon.\u00a0 She adored that dog, it was her best friend in every sense of the word.\u00a0 The three of them, because Bliss had a buddy Robbie too, would take walks in the woods every day and Mom would tell me stories of horses, or truffles or skunks they would come upon on their hike.\u00a0 Mom was all about walking.\u00a0 It represented something to her &#8230; perhaps it was a hallmark that her fibromyalgia didn&#8217;t completely destroy her body, because she could still take a long walk on the beach.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p>I never could walk like Mom did, though.\u00a0 Not even back in the day.\u00a0 The <a href=\"http:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Ehlers%E2%80%93Danlos_syndrome\" target=\"_blank\">EDS<\/a> seems to play havoc with my body in slightly different ways than it does my mother and as it does with each of my children who experience the <a href=\"http:\/\/www.dysautonomiainternational.org\/page.php?ID=30\" target=\"_blank\">POTSholes<\/a> of the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLDSEPy7T2BsDyAmJ3knAX3gO-T2DJMpwL\" target=\"_blank\">hypermobility gene defect<\/a> in various shades of gray.<\/p>\n<p>I have Mom&#8217;s gray hair.\u00a0 I have the same wrinkles on the back of my hand.\u00a0 I see the lines in my face in the mirror and I remember her gently aging profile.\u00a0 Perhaps that&#8217;s why I miss her more as time goes by.\u00a0 My youngest daughter was frustrated the other day with a math problem, which wasn&#8217;t really a math problem but a python assignment for class, which of course is really just a metaphore for anytime we find our self lured by the snake who is intent on kicking us out of the Garden.\u00a0 But in this moment she felt the tears of a thousand helpless hurts and because she is fiercely independent she also felt that sense that it wasn&#8217;t &#8220;okay&#8221; to come to your mother crying.\u00a0 I let it go at the time, suffice to say I told her it was always alright to <i>come home<\/i>.\u00a0 But then last night, when she stopped by (ostensibly to drop off laundry, but in truth she knew I was crying myself last night) I reminded her of what she had said last week about not crying to your mother &#8230; and told her as I choked up full of tears &#8230; You know, I&#8217;d give anything to be able to do that.\u00a0 And she hugged me gently and said &#8220;I know Mom.&#8221;\u00a0 And I wept on her shoulder briefly.<\/p>\n<p>There could be 999 reasons why Mom left.\u00a0 None of them reasonable in the moment, but all of them perfect as part of the master plan.\u00a0 All of us, in one form or another do the best we can to balance our pain &#8230; unfortunately sometimes that comes at the expense of another person&#8217;s bliss.\u00a0 We try of course to not splash in the pool but we can&#8217;t control the ripples in the pond that flow in all directions\u00a0 from the pebble in our pocket.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.coolkarma.com\/dharma\/wp-content\/uploads\/qualitytimelaundry.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft size-medium wp-image-3804\" src=\"http:\/\/www.coolkarma.com\/dharma\/wp-content\/uploads\/qualitytimelaundry-216x300.jpg\" alt=\"qualitytimelaundry\" width=\"216\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/qualitytimelaundry-216x300.jpg 216w, https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/qualitytimelaundry.jpg 575w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 216px) 100vw, 216px\" \/><\/a>So yes, at times beyond logic and common sense I still find myself\u00a0 befallen with tears as I think about how I miss hearing my Mom&#8217;s voice.\u00a0 The pain passes of course.\u00a0 Sometimes staying longer than I hoped, but I realize it may well just be my way of spending time with her.\u00a0 Much like I consider doing my college girl&#8217;s laundry spending time with <em>her<\/em>. \ud83d\ude42\u00a0\u00a0 Eventually it all comes out in the wash.\u00a0 All of our tears, fears and misplaced memories.\u00a0 I may not have my mother&#8217;s ear to share a shaggy dog story, but my own children have my shoulder to cry upon unconditionally and always.\u00a0 And of course, in the tender moments they also lend me theirs.\u00a0 Its okay to cry.\u00a0\u00a0 Wherever we are, for whatever reason.\u00a0 It doesn&#8217;t mean we are weak, or that we need to fix anything.\u00a0 Sometimes the soil needs the rain.\u00a0 And though it may feel like we will get stuck in the mud if we follow the river of tears &#8230; in the end we always make it to the other shore having waded in the water to find our Bliss.<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/mH9kYn4L8TI\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It puzzles me sometimes when I find myself with misty eyes over the thought of<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3801","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dharma"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3801","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3801"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3801\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3807,"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3801\/revisions\/3807"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3801"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3801"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.karmabytes.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3801"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}