The Price of Standing

I made pancakes this morning
I was standing
not for a particularly long time 
but I was standing 
and then I ate a pancake 
and a little vegetarian sausage 
I folded some towels from the dryer 
before coming to sit down 
I had been standing 
it’s not unlike any morning 
other than those mornings 
when I can’t stand it all 
I feel capable when I’m cooking
I knew 
when I would stop 
that I would have a hard time 
But it was pancakes 
You understand that right? 
So I sit here now
sittings not quite the right word 
because my feet are higher than my heart 
and I’m looking at the blue sky 
if not actually 
the blue umbrella over my head 
and the grape leaves 
that have grown a little too far past the vine 
and the loquat tree to my right 
that’s blocking the rest of the Sun 
so graciously for me 
And I feel the unease
of adrenaline left unspent
of a heart pounding to keep
blood to my brain
of the dis ease of a disability
that had accommodated
my cooking for a little while
but now says I have
used all of my spoons
over a cast iron griddle
and of course I wish things were different 
I wish I could get up 
and do some thing 
I wish I could read comfortably
or even see the koi 
from where I have collapsed
But I have to rest right now
To stay still and wait 
for my heart to settle back 
for my blood volume to redistribute 
I just have to wait 
because it was pancakes
totally worth it
I understand that
Had it been burnt toast
well that would be
a crying shame
and hardly worth
the price of standing


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