The Pallet

We recently removed the subtle and soft carpeting in our bedroom and replaced it with loud on every level natural marmoleum in a color they call “summer pudding” – think red plums. I say “we” because I picked out this purple flooring, but other than watch and occasionally make a suggestion about miter cutting corners, this was start to finish a one man jack of all trades endeavor. Suffice to say the dogs would have preferred the soft worn rug under their slick over excited paws. But they weren’t the first to question our interior decorating intentions.

The delivery driver who dropped off the pallet of click-n-lock planks didn’t understand why my husband insisted he open ONE BOX on the truck before unloading. You see, we recently had received the WRONG COLOR and were still in the process of figuring out how to get the vendor to take it back. So as my husband was explaining the wrong shipment of 🍋 yellow flooring to the long hauler they slid one plank out of the box and the trucker looked as if he saw political propaganda or fetish porn depending on what shocks a road jockey in a blue state.

“Is THAT the color you wanted?”, he blurted out.

“Yep,” my husband smiled.

“Where you gonna put that?”

“In my bedroom. My wife picked it out.” My husband replied with the same broad smile.

“And you’re gonna LET HER?!?” The trucker was in as much disbelief as perhaps also trying to insinuate an unbalanced power dynamic which was not lost on the redneck who raised his eyebrow tipped his head and said quipped,

“Yep, and I’m gonna lay it down!” with a wink so fast you couldn’t tell if it was a twitch or intended.

The tone would have been enough to silence any further discussion except there was still the task of getting that heavy pallet up a rather STEEP five foot incline at the start of our driveway.

The carrier cautioned my husband that it was too heavy for the two of them to push up that grade and indeed if it got away from them it would roll down the street like a runaway train and there’d be no stopping it. Which is true of course. That pallet had 18 boxes of plank flooring and weighed well over 500 pounds.

I’ve come to understand the redneck translation tables and the phrase CAN’T BE DONE is quickly met with STAND BACK AND WATCH ME.

So my husband “assured” the driver he could handle it. Mind you the streetwise sage is much younger than I am still … But we’ve both gotten older in our fairy-tale final chapter. And pushing a five hundred pound pallet when you’re over fifty … up a hill … in the heat … Let’s just say the driver wasn’t convinced.

“You steer and pull,” the redneck positioned himself behind the heavy quarter ton and gave a definitive SHOVE to remove any doubt this was happening.

And of course it did. It was a classic blunder. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!’ ¹ but only slightly less well-known is at no time question a Southern man’s strength or color palette.

¹Original quote from The Princes Bride is “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – The most famous of which is ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’ – but only slightly less well-known is this: ‘Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!'” Consider Virtual Table Reading of The Princess Bride this weekend 9-13-2020, the donation is a very worthy cause 😉