Dark Side

I tend to avoid breaking down in tears. I’m sure in the wayback machine of my mind I remember my mother warning me not to cry because once you start you would never be able to stop. But in truth, I avoid crying because it simply messes up my ANS.  Which is kind of the whole point of dysautonomia. I avoid getting over excited as well because those “happy feels” perkolate the hyperadrenergic POTS response that literally make my life hell. But avoiding stress or strong emotions isn’t really an option. Not for an over-the-top-soap-opera-diva-type-myer-briggs-got-nuttin-on-me-kind-of-<strike>gal</strike>-grandmother.

So then what? If my body doesn’t behave and yet emotions are unavoidable then how is it possible to process all that is trying to flood the gates.

We had some troubling news this week (I realize that’s vague, I also realize 10 of my closes friends and family think it was something about them because I live the kind of life where chaos has a seat at our table.) But this was personal heath issues for the redneck to face, and he is a more private man than I am so other than turning his black robe hoodie into a GIF and interweaving his story into mine (as it always does, we fit like broken glass held tight in a double window pane), I’ll just say that I was moved to waves of tears this week on several occasions.

I had to really think about it. I wanted to honor the tears but I didn’t want to go all Sally Fields in Steel Magnolias. I heard from several people this week who were brought to tears by various and sundry things .. work, news, family or appliances. Sometimes even ordinary trivials can make our lip quiver if we feel we are already working at our max revolutions. Most of us feel that way, most of the time. It’s only social and mass media that makes us feel somehow that we aren’t doing enough. That everyone else is doing more, better, faster and with even more grace and style.

It’s not true .. (my own mind screams well it IS for YOU because you are a housebound non-contributor to society — but I contribute to my family in some way (not enough my mind hollars) every day.) Once we accept that we are doing our best with what we woke up with … maybe there is a little room in our fluid ideal of what life should look like .. that we can allow ourself a moment to be Life’s full expression of the spectrum of the “dark” emotions. The ones we try and hide or hide behind. The ones that take us away from family or friends because we don’t want them to see us sweat (from our tear ducts). The ones we pretend we don’t even have, because everything is jake with the Jones’.

For my part, right before we went down to dinner with the family .. I sat on the edge of the bed and said … “Babe, can you sit with me for a moment. Because I’m crying. And the thought of losing you is more than I can bare.” And rather than try and talk me out of my worries, the redneck simply came and sat with one arm around me, and gave me the space and time to simply and softly let the tears flow down my face. Nothing to say or do .. though we did speak our truths … and then wiped the tears away and went down to dinner.

Sometimes (all the time, my mind corrects me) things are out of our control. We don’t get to flip to the end of the book or FF to the movie credits to see if the hero lived happily ever after. Sometimes we face plot twists and unforeseen circumstances and simply don’t know what Life will bring us next. If our thoughts influence our future, I will end with .. I am so very glad we won the mega million jackpot! But in truth I don’t need money to make me happy … just the hand of the man I love for as long as we both shall live.