#MockMeToo

CONTENT WARNING – rape, sexual assault

The arrival of Autumn has been hard for millions of us as we watch the news and deeply feel Christine Blasey Ford’s pain as she answered questions under oath and shared her credible testimony with the world.  We felt her pain because we are human and her story resonated with what we know we have witnessed in our lives countless times.   Those of us who are rape survivors felt an additional layer of solidarity as we re-processed our own trauma as it played out in national headlines.

I debated before Ford’s testimony if sharing my own #MeToo moment was something I wanted to do for my own healing journey, but when the bully in power mocked Ford in front of laughing white faces all I could think was then #MockMeToo.

There is no point in detailing the rape when I was 16 because it was in 1979 and we it would be years before I even learned the term “date rape” in college when my friend was filing a police report and somehow that made it seem better for the fraternity rapists.  In highschool we didn’t have any words.  Rape was something that happened at gun point by a stranger in a dark ally.   As I watched this weeks’ testimony unfold all I could think about was what my story would sound like nearly 40 years after the fact.  And how the president could just as easily stand up and turn it into a sleezy one-liner.

I had not been drinking.
I went to a boys house from a different school that I barely knew.
So it was my fault,
Right?
#MockMeToo
I said NO
and remember
skin and blood underneat my nail beds.
But I must not have said no enough right?
#MockMeToo
I hid in a closet until morning.
I don’t remember how I got home.
#MockMeToo
I don’t recall telling even my closest friends.
Certainly not my parents or the police.
#MockMeToo
I don’t recall the day of the week or anything more
than knowing it was Autumn
much like it is now
So if I can’t recall the details
#MockMeToo
I am chronically ill and house bound.
That’s such an easy joke
Is it not?
#MockMeToo

My story would never hold water because as survivors we have spent years holding ourselves together not documenting our trauma for cross examination.  Ultimately I am just one of the silent survivors whose opinion doesn’t matter, living through hell in a vile administration that sees fit to laugh at our trauma.  To my peers who know my pain I pray for us and hope that we stay strong enough to VOTE in unprecedented numbers than ever before.  And for those who remain loyal to the  Grand Old Party even still …  may you consider abstaining in the next elections until we have time to fix this mess and begin to repair the damage done.