This Girl is on Pfizer!

Last week I was fortunate and blessed to be able to get the first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. Because of my illness, I don’t have the get-up-and-go-ability that most people who live in the world at large. So as a chronically ill and housebound person there did not appear to be any avenues for the vaccine. My family members all got appointments the first day California opened up the vaccine for their tier group. My redneck husband got quite ill from the first dose. We have long suspected he is a long hauler .. so many questions will go unanswered there, but soon at least he’ll be able to go get some tests and move forward now that he has both doses of the Moderna.

My eldest became an expert vaccine hunter and helped everyone to schedule their appointments. Coordinating transportation, helping to complete forms as well as helping everyone on their “off days” post vaccine. She called our home doctor service, only to find out they had withdrawn from our district. I cried. But she assured me that she’d find another way. And she did. She was able to find our county services for homeless and homebound individuals for the mobile unit vaccine team. My dear friend of long standing from college, Jan, bless her, also put in a call to her friend who works down here who knew of the programs for the disabled community. Monks is convinced it was her good intentions that sealed the deal. And I agree, she is magical ♥.

I assumed with the pause for the J&J vaccine, that the remote/mobile team would be on hold as well. Since having to go out TWICE for the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines would be more of a challenge. Meanwhile, I made a telehealth appointment to talk with my PCP about things I might be able to do to mitigate any allergic reactions … since I am that girl that hives at almost anything. The video call was set for last Friday. The suddenly on Wednesday the call came from the county saying they’d be out tomorrow!

My family is quick to point out the blessing it was that I did not have too much time to consider the vaccine. And I can’t say they are wrong. Despite my zen practice, my monkey mind still throws crap all over the walls of my amygdala. This way I only had 24 hours to fret. Which I did.

I decided first, that I wanted to stay down as much as possible prior to the vaccine. I’ve been having an uptick lately in hyperadrenergic flares, some quite nasty, in recent weeks. 99% of which still seem to be related to postural tachycardia which for whatever reason is tipping the excess neuroephinephrine scale and then I’m just screwed as the flood of ick unleashes and I can do nothing more than wait the bitch out. (I say that but of course, I’m doing MORE, if I was just able to lay down and CHILL it wouldn’t be a problem, ye?)

I have to say, the pre-vac-couch-plan, worked out quite well. My pulse and BP stayed perfectly normal the entire day leading up to the appointment. It was a dreary overcast day, but I decided that I wanted to have the shot on the patio right outside my bedroom door. I wouldn’t need to walk far, the air was crisp which helps me from over heating and it was near the koi pond which has a wonderful energy all of it’s own.

Turns out the team arrived early. Because it was just gonna be one of those gotcha weeks. Again, my family will point out this was yet another blessing as I didn’t have TIME to get worked up at the last minute. The team from the county was the nicest, kindest, most caring, non-judgemental people I’ve seen in a very long time. Of course, the bar was so low this week given two encounters my husband had both involving QNon conspiracists who tried to tell him IN PERSON, (one was a delivery he needed to SIGN for the other was a service technician who was helping with a house repair). Everything from calling it a “plandemic” to straight out hoax that the hospitals were profiting from. It was painful. We read about these people all the time, but seeing someone spew such dangerous unfounded lies really gives you pause and makes you even more grateful that you didn’t fall prey to the Q-predators.

My eldest asked permission to take pictures, which she did as I sat zazen on a blanket outside my door. She cried, which is to be expected yet I was totally caught off guard as I didn’t see that coming. She explained to the county vaccine team that we have always relied on some form of herd immunity in the house. With everyone getting a flu shot because Mom was never able to get one. But given her two small children would not be able to vaccinate for the foreseeable future, there was concern what we would do with the Covid vaccine. And she thanked them deeply for all of us. And I mean all of us. Everyone was there accept for my SIL who was with the grandkids in the house. But my son, DIL, two daughters and husband were all gathered around for the big event.

I didn’t feel the shot at all. But I did register a big wave of dizzy when it was done. So I laid back on the blanket and put my feet up on the little table that we brought out for the set up. The team stayed 15 minutes to watch for any serious signs. My kids assured them, my laying down with tachycardia was well within the bounds of normal-for-me.

And before long it was over. Done. I had my first in-the-arm Pfizer. There was a relief of course. But then my mind was still primed on overtime waiting to see what reaction I would have. Because, of course, I am THAT girl who is scent sensitive with both food and medication allergies. I have to say though that I didn’t even feel any soreness from the injection. And it wouldn’t be until that night that symptoms hit.

There was only one time when I felt a WAVE of weird tingles, simultainious with my limbs getting really heavy and then an awareness that there was a sensation of numbness on the left side of my face. It was a distinct path, from my partline in my hair, down the left temple wrapping around the left eye, then back under my earlobe and halfway down the left side of my neck. No pain. Just an odd line of numbness. Which naturally freaked me out. I did what I do when I start to panic, I called my friend and pinged my daughters not to mention raised my voice at my DH who told me feeling lightheaded was normal and I shouted THIS ISN’T LIGHTHEADED THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! So now of course, I had the fear to deal with, with an added shot of anger-renaline to wade thru. My girl friend called one of her doctor cousins and relayed that there wasn’t anything as yet to raise the flag of concern. And over the course of the next couple of hours, the sensation of numbness was replaced by a general sense of unwell.

By the next morning I felt run down, achy, weird head. The roots of my teeth hurt as did my scalp. I journaled that I was tired, but in too much pain to sleep. Since ibuprofen was one of my hive medicines, I was not taking any pain killers which I think would have helped. It took me until day TWO to remember that ginger/turmeric (golden tea) would be a good idea. And I did that.

I kept the telehealth appointment with my primary doctor and we used it to refill my prescriptions and wrap up some loose ends. He was so happy to hear that I was able to get the vaccine. And even though I was still in the midst of the side effects ….. I was too.

It would be probably three days before I could feel the heavy, dizzy, sense of awful begin to lift. What I was keenly aware of throughout the malaise was the mental story of OH NO WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW. I think for those of us who spent years searching for a diagnosis all the while having serious setbacks and landing in POTSholes we developed this trauma around not knowing. We didn’t understand the illness, yet it kept kicking our ass, and we didn’t know how BAD it was going to get — see comorbidity 101, or how long it was going to last.

I allowed myself the mental space to process all of the rants and ramblings of the disoriented mind. The chemical fingerprint of the fibroflu matched the memories from my working years. And I realized it was a trigger for all of the moments spent worrying that I would loose my job. Deep breath. And let go. There were even earlier memories of Mom being awful when I would get sick. Her theory was if you didn’t have a fever, you were faking it and then of course her answer would be hiding valium in my food. Deep breath. And let go.

There’s a lot to unpack. But the thing is, for me, I don’t really have to deal with it in as much a just notice that the thoughts were coming up. As I said, I think it’s a chemical fingerprint that pulls up any memory that was put down with that same adrenaline (or neuroepinephrine). The key is of course, THIS time you get to see the trauma for what it was and try not to put it back away with the same chemical code. Which was hard in the moment, because my mind was still afraid of what was going to come next. Which is that cycle of chronic illness and not knowing.

What I did know, was that as the symptoms subsided (I just wasn’t convinced they ever would 😉 ) once they began to wane, that the feelings of vulnerable, overwhelmed and untenable would also subside. And they did.

By Sunday night, I was able to sit at the table of 10 and enjoy a meal with the family. It was salad night with all the fixings and a wonderful ginger dressing from the redneck vegetarian 😉 My son and DIL prepare a five star salad bar. A lot to be grateful for on that Sunday supper.

I remember when the HPV vaccine came out (circa 2006) and my eldest was a teenager. I asked her if she wanted to get the new shot, because not everyone was rushing to the front of the line. She said without reservation YES! OF COURSE!! And I asked her why? Her answer was some version of Ma, my friends all took it and I don’t want to be the only person left alive once everyone else dies from the vaccine.

I feel that way about the COVID vaccine. There is no doubt a very small percent of people with medical reasons for not getting the vaccine. But the anti-vaxxer, conspiracy theorists who would rather believe in fake news over Faucci … ye, I wouldn’t want to be around in that lifeboat ethics Lord of the Flies scenario.

To be honest, if it was just ME and I don’t know if I would have rushed to the front of the line. But my family has been UV’ing every delivery for more than one year. They’ve sacrificed and quarantined harder than anyone I’ve known. And we all believe that the redneck nearly died of COVID in January 2020 and he wasn’t going to survive if he got it again. So THIS, this shot in the arm if not a shot in the dark, THIS is a small thing I can DO FOR HIM.

Get the vaccine, any of them, when it’s available to you. This is how we get out of the pandemic world wide. This isn’t about the California governor, the United States on any government level. This is a world wide epidemic. The vaccine is no doubt not going to be a one and done. We are learning on the fly, but we are not flying by the seat of our pants. We’ve all lost someone in this pandemic. Housemates, uncles, cousins and BFF. Indeed not every relationship survived the pandemic. But the vaccine .. that’s smart medicine and if I am going to error, it’s going to be with science on my side.