Expired Grandparents

I saw a post this morning that has since been removed about a “funny” little newpaper clipping telling a “story” about a child who wrote a school paper on his grandparents being retired.  But he didn’t use the word retired. The word used was one that is an pejorative for mental disability. After quite a bit of education from the respondents hopefully the OP will realize that our culture is in the process of moving on from laughing at disability.  Even if the president has not.

By the time I wrote my own reply to the conversation, the post had been removed.  But you know, I have a blog and something to say even if no one is listening.  So here you go.

There’s been a lot in the the google news about comedians who have not got the message that racial slurs, bullying or victim shaming (not to mention a slew of other failed attempts at humor that jeopardize the safety of our LGBTQ community, our imigrants, PoC, women and the safety of our children).  Among all that I’ve seen, there’s been only one person who even attempted an apology for his young and stupid days.  We each get to decide if we want to support someone who bullies and abuses.  We also get to engage each other and have a conversation about why something is wrong.

And while an apology isn’t always sufficient, I think it’s still important to admit when we are wrong as is the intent to do better.  To this end, I used the “R” word just last week.  My husband was dashing off to get a delivery at the door and I shouted for him to grab his hat because his hair looked _______.  He stopped dead in his tracks and looked me long and hard in the eyes.  The silence was loud.  Because I know better.  We have a family member who has an intellectual disability.  We don’t use that word.  But I did.  And I was wrong.  I apologized … a few times, over the course of a few days as he reminded me about my error each time the doorbell rang.  Which was okay, because I need to make sure that word, which i may have grown up with, which I may have meant no harm by … has to be dropped.  I was wrong.  I am sorry.  And I intend to do better because it’s important for me not to be part of that pain for anyone else.

Howard Stern this year in an interview with Anderson Cooper talks about how psychotherapy helped him to understand that even as a shock jock he had gone too far, hurt too many people and had regrets he will have to live with for the rest of his life, but in moving forward he intends to do better.  For some people the Stern show may have sailed and as we will not be watching Maher, it may be too little too late.  And that’s okay.  We get to decide who we want to support.

For some people who may simply feel bad about laughing, the case is made that we are all simply too sensitive and we should “lighten up” and look past the PSA trying to pass as a joke or we will end up in a dystopian world where laughing is illegal.  But that’s how people get when they feel their privilege is being challenged.  They try and justify their bad behavior and turn the problem back around to you for making them think.

For my part, I think we can be more creative moving forward.  You want to laugh at a little made up story about a kid, come up with a another word and re-write the meme.  Put something positive in it’s place.  Be willing to look bad, make a mistake, offend someone because you are still learning.  And then, figure out how you are going to DO BETTER NEXT TIME!

I possible that “Expired Grandparents” isn’t really funny either.  Because in addition to the cadre of comedians who made the news for the wrong reasons this month, there were also a rash of celebrities who died … all younger than my father.  We all have an expiration date.  It’s up to us how we make the most out of the time we have left.  And if we can move forward without leaving someone behind in pain … then our journey is that much richer for the resting place.